Quantum Trump

Ha ha. That title. Sounds like a tv show about inter-dimensional fart displacement.
Sorry. Got distracted already.

Start again.

I've figured it out! It's taken me AGES.  I knew something wasn't as it seems. I've spent weeks believing that I'm actually asleep because I thought none of what's happening could actually be happening. I mean, seriously, how can the state of this world be happening in anything but that crappy dream you have between your first and second alarms?

I've worked out what's going on with President Trump. I've sussed out why he is the way he is.

Brace yourselves. This is huge. Trump is the first ever Quantum President. Before you scoff, allow me to supply the evidence. I have lots of evidence. I've put at least half an hour into digging random stuff up.


You'd be pleased if you'd just found out that you are a quantum you too.

Seriously, I've done research and everything. That means that everything I'm about to say is true! No 'alternative facts' here! (Uuuurk I've just been sick in my mouth.)

Ready?

First, we need to explain quantum mechanics: basically, it's mental (there's your first clue). Like, really. The subatomic world is the reason why we still don't have a Unified Field Theory from our physicist chaps and chappettes. The laws that govern the world do not apply when you get all the way down to the teeny weeny particles and bits and bobs that make up the universe. General relativity and quantum mechanics don't fit together.

I lifted this from whatis.com. Sometimes a blog needs a little bit of outside help. Here we go, read carefully (I promise it will be worth your time (and Trump will be back very soon)):

The two major interpretations of quantum theory's implications for the nature of reality are the Copenhagen interpretation and the many-worlds theory. Niels Bohr proposed the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum theory, which asserts that a particle is whatever it is measured to be (for example, a wave or a particle), but that it cannot be assumed to have specific properties, or even to exist, until it is measured. In short, Bohr was saying that objective reality does not exist. This translates to a principle called superposition that claims that while we do not know what the state of any object is, it is actually in all possible states simultaneously, as long as we don't look to check.

Got that? So far so good. Now, everyone has surely heard of this cat:

To illustrate this theory, we can use the famous and somewhat cruel analogy ofSchrodinger's Cat. First, we have a living cat and place it in a thick lead box. At this stage, there is no question that the cat is alive. We then throw in a vial of cyanide and seal the box. We do not know if the cat is alive or if the cyanide capsule has broken and the cat has died. Since we do not know, the cat is both dead and alive, according to quantum law - in a superposition of states. It is only when we break open the box and see what condition the cat is in that the superposition is lost, and the cat must be either alive or dead.

If this was one of our cats, it would have already teleported outside of the box and positioned itself uncomfortably close to your head so it can scream for the hourly food ration it strongly believes it deserves.
Now this bit is really important:

The second interpretation of quantum theory is the many-worlds (or multiverse theory. It holds that as soon as a potential exists for any object to be in any state, the universe of that object transmutes into a series of parallel universes equal to the number of possible states in which that the object can exist, with each universe containing a unique single possible state of that object. Furthermore, there is a mechanism for interaction between these universes that somehow permits all states to be accessible in some way and for all possible states to be affected in some manner. Stephen Hawking and the late Richard Feynman are among the scientists who have expressed a preference for the many-worlds theory.

The next step in computing will be the quantum computer. Instead of calculating in terms of one's and zeros, a quantum computer can be in both states at the same time. The increase in computing power will be extraordinary.

But, would you believe it, before we even have quantum computers we have a Quantum Trump. That's how advanced the man is. You think he's dumb? You think he's evil? You think he's unpleasant? He's actually more than any of these things, because these are aspects of humanity, and he is more than human...

He is Quantum Trump! He has subatomic powers!

This explains why his first speech before a joint session of Congress contradicts his actual policies: read all about it by clicking this link to the Huffington Post HERE. A few choice points: “At one point, he mentioned that he was targeting and criminalizing immigrants, but at the same time, he’s saying we need to unite?”
And:
Similarly, Trump promised in his speech that his administration would “promote clean air and clear water.” But earlier on Tuesday, Trump signed an executive order that would dismantle the Waters of the United States rule, also known as the Clean Water Rule.
And:
Trump promised to protect the rights of women, particularly “to invest in women’s health.” But a central promise from both him and the GOP-led Congress is to repeal the Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare, which provided significant protections for women.

Do you see? Superposition! He is quite literally saying one thing while doing another. And what have we just learned about quantum physics? 'while we do not know what the state of any object is, it is actually in all possible states simultaneously, as long as we don't look to check'. 
Therefore, Quantum Trump is both doing and not doing all the things he does and doesn't say at the same time. He's not lying. He's not full of shit. He's not some spoilt-brat rich-boy who thinks everyone is his play thing and that being President is the latest cool game. He's not an unpleasant numb-nut who is potentially one of the worst things inflicted upon this planet at a time when, more than ever, it needs leaders who can try to unite us and, at the very least, lead by positive example. You've read that whole situation wrong. The orange-wigged potato-face is being all versions of himself in all universes at the same space/time. Marvellous. Incredible. Mind-bending. We shouldn't be horrified. We should be amazed!

He is all Trumps at once. In fact, now that I've had this incredible realisation, we should be referring to him (hims) in the plural. Trumps.

I couldn't bring myself to have another picture of Trumps in my blog. So, this is my cat.

Trumps and Tonto are approximately equal in intelligence, I believe.

Quantum politics explains a lot of other curiosities as well. For example, the existence of alternative facts. Up until now that awful, disgusting non-phrase has made me almost throw up in my mouth each and every time I've had to hear it or read it. Foolishly I allowed myself to become upset and a nonsense concept that literally cannot exist! Now, of course, I understand more clearly that it is a direct result of quantum politics. All of these facts really do exist, merely spread across all of the possible universes. What is considered lies in this universe is the honest-to-goodness truth in another. We've simply got to put up with all this shit compacted into our world now, and who on earth do we think we are to complain. Let all these facts in! Let them cross the borders! (Oh, Quantum Trumps might not like that - but then again, he might!)

Perhaps this is why the POTUS believed something terrible happened in Sweden when it didn't. At least it didn't in our reality, or the way we perceive our reality. In some other universe, however, Sweden is Terrorist Central, and they eat bombs for breakfast (or something).

It could also be the reason why his handshake is such a stomach cramping awkward mess. It's because he's shaking all the hands of everyone ever, and also not shaking them at the exact same time. Quantum handshakes. That's way too complicated a manoeuvre for anyone, even the POTUS.

Finally, quantum mechanics explains how we've actually managed to end up in this situation: down there in the quantum world, somewhere, at some point, stupid shit has to happen. I mean, how else do you explain a dumb joke in a cartoon becoming real? That kind of stuff only happens in dreams, movies, cartoons (obviously), and the minds of people who've been hit very, very hard on the head.

(This quantum physics stuff gets really, really weird - a read a piece once about how the reaction of a subatomic particle in one part of the universe is mirrored by its twin somewhere else in the universe. From that little tidbit, one could surmise that somewhere out there is a Twin Trumps who doesn't build ridiculous walls that he thinks other countries will pay for (HA!) and who actually doesn't hate people for such basic reasons as skin colour and race and religion and all the things that don't make people evil... But Twin Trumps? I think I'll leave the rabbits in that hole alone.)

You might also realise what else this means: there are a near infinite number of universes in which there is no President Trump, in which there is no Trump at all. Hmm.

IN CONCLUSION:
According to this new Quantum President theory, we now have two options, two very different ways of existing.
We can either live as I have for some time now, wandering around in a dazed horror;
Or, we can be amazed and delighted to find ourselves living in this world of brave new science wherein we can accept unpleasantness, greed, and general hatred of anyone who does not look exactly like ourselves, because in another universe it has to be all good, baby!

The subatomic particles have lived in utter madness for billions of years. Now it's our turn, suckers!

This post, therefore, proves either: a) Trumps is clever beyond all our wildest dreams, or b) both he and I are dumb as shit.
Hey, in the quantum world both of these alternative facts could be true at once!

I don't know what's going on any more.
I give up.